The last few days have been fun for me – I’ve been learning how to drive a manual transmission.

I admit, I’m not the fastest at going from stop to 1st or realizing that the car is stalling out because I’m still in 2nd… but I’m doing pretty good.

I’ve noticed, though, that no matter what kind of car I’m driving, a random sampling of Fort Collins drivers reveals most to be moronic, at best.  And no blaming it on the Freshmen – you ass-clowns were doing just fine before their “finely tuned” stock sports car shenanigans.

Here’s an R-rated list of fixes to the stupidity I see on a daily basis:

• Car drivers –
  • Most people below the age of 17 or over the age of 60 can’t drive. Simple as that.
  • Stop signs mean STOP. Why are you getting pissed off when people ACTUALLY STOP!?
  • Stop following too closely.  Give me at LEAST a car length.  What the hell are you accomplishing by riding my ass from Prospect to Jefferson on College?  Go around or calm the hell down.  Your bar skank will still be there for you to strike out on.
  • Keep your damn distance at a light. Those extra few inches might be the few that I roll back and crush your bumper.  Following too closely?  That’s YOUR 4 point ticket, jackass.
  • Put the cell phone down and stop weaving.  Stay in your own damn lane – I like the color of my car, if I wanted some of your color, I’d have bought a car that color.  Thanks for offering to share, though.
  • Get the hell out of my blindspots. I know you think you’re all Speed Racer-ish, but seriously, if I’ve slowed down or sped up or both, you seriously need to stop riding in line with my freakin rear tire.
  • Your turn signals work. Use them, douchebag!
  • The speed limit is there for a reason – do at least that or get the hell over.  I don’t care if you’re turning at the next light, going 15 under is going to get us both killed.
  • Stop speeding to box people in or cut people off.  Chillax – you’re just being a douchebag.
  • Yellow means slow the hell down. It doesn’t mean floor it to cut through the intersection on a bright red light.
  • If someone is slowing down for a Yellow light, you don’t have any right to honk, pitch a fit, or ride their ass.  If they couldn’t make it – neither could you.
  • If someone is slow to go at a Green, light calm the hell down (or honk lightly once) and let them go, don’t just zoom around ‘em in the middle of the intersection.
  • Let cars in – if someone’s turn signal is on, don’t crowd forward.  Let them in.
  • A one-way lane of a parking lot is ONE WAY for a reason. Don’t cut through, don’t run over pedestrians, and don’t park going the wrong way.  Most importantly – STOP for people in crosswalks, but be assertive and GO when the pedestrians are being selfish dicks.
  • If someone’s turn signal is on for a parking spot, it’s theirs.
  • The bike lanes are not turn lanes, morons!  And STOP crowding and speeding around bicyclists.
• Motorcyclists -
  • Wear a helmet and proper gear. Cleaning your blood and guts off my fender is not my idea of a fun weekend.
  • Stop weaving – see the “helmet and proper gear” notes.
  • The “gap” passing maneuver will get you killed as I squish you between my car and the truck stopping in front of me.
• Non-Semi Trucks –
  • Black smoke from a truck’s exhaust is 1) not sexy, 2) not fun to drive through and 3) the sign you don’t give a shit about your truck, you hillbilly bastard.
  • Anyone in the bed of the truck needs to sit the hell down and shut the hell up. Anyone throwing beer cans or insults had better be prepared for the blinding white light as I strip naked in my car.
• Semis -
  
  • I don’t care how urgent those rubber duckies are to Walmart – stop speeding, stop passing in rush-hour, and stop swerving.
    

And here’s two that are more rare but still important:

• Turn down your damn music. You might have more watts pumping through your subwoofers than The Aggie, but so help me if I hear Get Low blasting out of one more Frat Boy wagon, I’m going to “skeet skeet” some swear words your way.  Swear words so vile your ears may never recover.
• Mufflers are there to, you know, muffle the sound of your stupid over-cranked ’93 Mazda that sounds like Gary Busey on chili night. Seriously dude, your car sounds like it’s a moped.  Knock that crap off.
• Don’t honk at pedestrians or people trying to fix a bad situation. Offer to help or get the hell out of the way.  Don’t be a dick.