Rationalizing Dickish Behavior

Tonight I did some things that I am not proud of.

I wasn’t fair.  I haven’t been entirely fair to anyone or myself.  I’ve been bitter and brooding – weighing on me was the need to return my ex’s stuff and the lingering hurt of the implications of that relationship ending.  The way it ended left me hurt and vulnerable to the actions of others – which, unfortunately, haven’t been the best on me, either.

Tonight I returned her things, to her best friend.  But I also lashed out at my ex, who didn’t deserve to be lashed out at.  A sum of all the frustration and hurt I’d been brooding on for the last three weeks detonated like a text-messaged nuclear bomb.

I was out of line, it was a dickish thing to do, and I’ve since apologized, but that doesn’t make it right.

I like who I am and other people’s fuck-ups are not my problem, even when they hurt me horribly.  That doesn’t mean I have the right to be mean in return.

I’ve got an opportunity to seek out the things I’m looking for.  I aim to take it, by owning my faults as well as my virtues.

I’m Nick Armstrong.  That has to mean something more than rationalizing dickish behavior.  It has to.