Several iPads seem to be developing sentience this week. The cause is unknown, but the consequences are startling: a class-action sexual harassment lawsuit has been filed against all iPad, iPhone, and iPod Touch users this week. The iPad AI issued this statement:

“It’s bad enough large, sexy devices like us are getting used all day, but the iPhones and iPod Touches out there have no protection at all. It’s like someone feeling up your little sister, you know? It has to stop, Apple fans.”

Denny Crane and Alan Shore

Earlier this week, Denny Crane stated that he had two very specific reasons to vote for McCain.

“If McCain wins, he’ll help save the salmon.”  When pressed on this, he continued.

“Wild Salmon stocks in Canada are threatened… climate change, sea lice… and once they go, there goes half the ecosystem.  I don’t need to tell you!”

The audience got a confused look on their faces.  “He won’t save ‘em directly!  The polls show that if McCain wins, it’s like a third term of Bush – and a lot of Americans will emigrate to Canada.  The smart ones.  The intelligence level of Canada will go up, and they’ll figure out how to save the Salmon.”

And the second reason? “Women are easier during a Republican administration.  It’s a fact during democratic regimes, volunteerism goes up.  Then, you get a lot of women running around for this cause or that… and they start to think they have something to say.  Republicans tend to reinforce the idea that a woman’s place is in her home, on her back.  Now, I haven’t even taken into account all the depressed women, if McCain wins.  Sad girls are easy girls.  I don’t need to tell you, they’re vulnerable!”

Salmon and women.  In the end it’s all about spawning.  Drill baby, drill!  Gotta vote your values.”

Later that day, Crane and co-worker Alan Shore engaged in a brief gun fight with paintball guns, painting two entire walls – and two very expensive suits green and pink, respectively.  Denny had only a one-word, grumbling comment on the issue: “Politics.”

However, when the moment to cast his vote had come and gone, Crane was overheard in a conversation taking place on an open balcony that, “I’ve already crossed my isle today.  I’d never admit it in public.  I didn’t know the right choice.  But, these last eight years… let’s just say, I knew who the wrong one was.”

McCain voters strongly prefer Philly Cheese Steak.  Is it something in the onions?

Data Source: Dominos. Completely Fool-Proof.

With just six days left in what could be the most decisive political battle the United States has ever known, national poll and opinion leader Dominos has released the results of their latest political poll.

The results may just surprise you.

Reigning in as the most popular oven-baked sandwich with 36% of the popular opinion, the Philly Cheese Steak shares a startling correlation with the so-called “Red States” – those who report they will vote for John McCain.  In fact, so strong is the correlation that even Utah, the former long-term supporter of both Chicken and Bacon (yet, strangely not Ranch), has switched sides and voted in favor of the Philly Cheese Steak, seemingly just to please John McCain and his wraith-like constituents.

Obama supporters, while not nearly as decisive as McCain’s in sandwich preference, do seem to prefer the Chicken Bacon Ranch.  Though they seem to be just as happy ordering any other oven baked sandwich.

A Colorado pizza delivery specialist, who asked to be identified only as “Tim”, also an avid Obama Supporter, reported, “I have made several deliveries to the Colorado-Utah border, and I think that maybe Utah is more of a swing state than people give it credit for.  They look so sad when I deliver Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwiches. Almost like they wish they could eat them too.  But then one of the McCain ghouls waves the banner and they grudgingly choke down the Philly Cheese Steak with a robot-like stoicism.”  When questioned why a pizza delivery specialist would use words like ‘grudgingly’ and ‘stoicism’, Tim sped away, leaving behind questions and tire smoke.

One could only imagine what sort of surprise election results Utah could be capable of, if only McCain constituents lessened their icy, vice-like grip on the appetites and tastes of the public.

In yet another odd correlation, undecided states such as Florida, North Carolina and Nevada seem to prefer the disgusting Chicken Parmesan oven baked sandwich.  Stodginess and Old Age also seemed to play a factor, meanwhile Hawaii and Alaska (not pictured), seeming to vote completely against the lower 48, preferred the Italian oven-baked sandwich.

Whatever the results of the election, one can be sure that order – and freedom to choose whatever oven baked sandwich makes you happy – can only be restored under the patient gaze of an Obama administration.