The One Without Any Advice

ducks

As the year comes to a close, you’re going to get a lot of people reflecting on the last year. Lessons they learned, things they did, all neatly summarized into a cute blog post with a cute image, maybe of some ducks crossing the road.

They’re going to give you advice. It’s going to sound sage. And practical. And you’re going to think to yourself, “Holy crap, I’d better do that.”

And I’m here to tell you: it’s the same as it ever was.

The same as it ever was.

Every revolution around the sun, we try to make some meaning of the craziness. To ordain some life lesson from the heaping mess we traveled through. And, let’s face it – we’re still in a mess.

It’s 2011. About to be 2012. Gay people being gay is still a thing other people get fussy about? We haven’t figured out how to reduce or eliminate poverty? One in seven American households goes hungry?

WTF people? You can take your year-end synopsis and shove it. Keep your silly advice and to-do lists and holiday cheer and photos of ducks. We’ve got some serious shit to do, here.

We’ve got Star Trek level-technology like iPads and iPhones and replicators without Star Trek-level ethics or Star Trek-level living standards to back it up. And don’t tell me that Star Trek is socialist. That’s bullshit, watch some Deep Space Nine and educate yourself, fool.

It’s time to start fixing things. Nobody in charge seems to have any idea what’s going on. Or what to do. Or how to fix these huge problems. And even if they do know what’s going on, or what to do, or how to fix it – they’re being held back by the idiots who like things just the way they are.

This year, I ran the Digital Gunslingers through enough classes to raise $500 for the Larimer County Food Bank, which is 2,000 meals for local families. It’s a start.

I’m going to do an experiment starting in January. Over the course of the year, I’m offering 12 businesses a simple WordPress website – one per month, with a simple store, up to 10 products, a year of hosting, and basic SEO. No crazy custom designs, just a simple, easy-to-use website. $500 is the cost – a lot less than what I usually charge.

The $500 will go directly to the Larimer County Food Bank. At the end of the year – that’s $6,000 or 24,000 meals for local families ($1 = 4 meals), or 12x better than I did this year.

So, I lied a little – this post does have some advice.

First: be a little nicer to everyone – you never know who needs a sandwich, a hug, or a closer bathroom.

Second: get off your butt and start fixing some problems. Doesn’t matter what you do. Just do what feels right.

(Unless it’s being a douchebag towards gay people or beating up hungry hobos – don’t do that.)

(Header photo: Duckies!)

Posted in Business Storyteller, Digital Gunslinger, Psychotic Resumes Blog | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Social Media Makes Business Owners Stupid

kid-computer

There. I’ve said it.

Social Media Makes Business Owners Stupid. (Happy Thanksgiving, by the way).

I was reading up today on someone who Klout considers a star (his score is 55, mine is 53, for what it’s worth). One of the key factors they believe he’s a star is because he uses the GKTT (Guy Kawasaki Twitter Technique), or what I like to call the HERP.

Horribly
Egregious
Repetitive
Posting

Guy Kawasaki’s AllTop is hurting the web. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against Guy himself, he’s a great human being as far as I can tell. Looks very huggable. However, hiring armies to “aggregate” (read: scrape like a meth addict) content from the web, reposting an excerpt on your own site like you created it, and promoting the crap out of it over and over and over again with different titles so your web properties show massive traffic is not just downright dishonest, it damages the web.

Remember why Digg took a massive geek-cred hit a while back? They added a “landing” page so you -had- to visit Digg at some point before you visited the content that people actually wanted you to see.

And it works, because you fall for it. Like an alzheimer patient oscillating between two Starbucks on opposite corners – we keep on clicking on. And on. And on. Have you tried their Salted Carmel Mocha? It’s delicious. But if you’re in Fort Collins, nothing beats the Honey Vanilla Latte from Cafe Ardour.

Let me ask you something: what happens when you see a brand new hilarious commercial on TV? (that is, if you don’t skip past them pretending to be some evil DVR-toting timelord). You laugh, right? Maybe you laugh so hard, you have to change your pants. Hey, it happens.

What happens an hour later when you’ve got your new pants on, and you see the same commercial again? …And again five minutes later …and again when you change the channel …and then again on every channel?

If you’re anything like me, you start wondering if the remote is sharp enough to perform Seppuku.

I’ll say it again: social media makes business owners stupid. Drunk with our own power at rummaging up hundreds or thousands of people who’ve decided at some point to click “follow” or “like”… the tendency is established that at some point, we’ll lose our minds. Just look at APlusK.

Enter: repetitive, slightly modified tweets. Observing, and consequently catching, the HERP. Writing banal blog posts to net SEO gains. Pitching discounts indiscriminately on every channel when times are slow. Ignoring industry standard rules because it just doesn’t look as good. Comic sans.

What’s worse: when one business owner shares this horrible advice with another. The cycle continues. Look, here’s the deal. What I like to call the “where’s the beef” of social media (because that other list of 10 things was taken by some dude who got freaked out by a brushfire):

  1. Thou shalt not assume any random assclown shall care about thy Tweets.
  2. Thou shalt worry about the number of meaningful conversations thou is having, not the number of thy followers.
  3. Thou shalt not make life or death decisions based on thy Klout score nor any other social media “metric”.
  4. Thou shalt seek either fame and fortune or meaningful conversation. Those who seek both are destined for pain and warm rootbeer.
  5. Thou shalt blog with fresh, insightful, meaningful, funny, touching, or otherwise “fucking great” content, else thy can discontinue thy bitching about thou’s lack of readership.
  6. Thou shalt not expect thy customers, family, high school friends, or other random folk to giveth a crap about your overly repetitive marketing messages.
  7. Thou shalt not attempt to automate socialization or thou shalt be smited mightily.
  8. Thou shalt not attempt to utilize “social media” as a one-way street, bullhorn, billboard, or glorified RSS feed.
  9. Thou shalt not scrape social media sites for mine email address and then opt-me-in to thy mailing list against mine will.
  10. Thou shalt not flood every medium with the same message. Show respect and shake it up, mine dawg.

And a bonus, for those of you paying attention:

  • Thou shalt avoid YouTube commenters no matter the cost.

All sacrilege aside, before you do anything on social media, you should consider The Golden Rule. Treat others how you’d like to be treated. Work with people the way you’d like to be worked with.

Everything else is blasphemy.

(Header photo: Boy by Jacob Johan)

Posted in Business Storyteller, Communication Ideas, Digital Gunslinger, Psychotic Resumes Blog, Social Media and Marketing | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments