I received a slew of comments from the Brazen Careerist crowd.  Most revolving around, “Look, it’s okay to ‘slum’ to pay the bills.”  I don’t think so.

I have, for the last two years, been perpetually stuck in the cycle I like to call, “This time it’ll be different.” This time, I said to myself – each and every time I started on a new programming job – it’ll be different.  Last time, I had too many bosses.  Last time, I didn’t get the support I needed.  Last time, I hated the constant 50-hour work weeks and crazy, constant stress.  Last time, I just wasn’t good enough to keep up as fast as they (and the economy!) needed me to. (edit: 6/1/09 – added “constant”)

I look at that list of reasons and think, “Oh my god, how do I tell an interviewer these things without sounding like an excuse-filled lame duck?”  My only defense is the truth. I have never lied to a potential employer to get a job.  I put my 5 biggest weaknesses on the About page of my blog.  I talk about life, love, money, and everything else on Twitter… I get boisterous and loud, I am never reserved.  I always speak my mind.  I’ve never had a problem owning a mistake.  If I’m one thing, it’s unflappably honest.  So when I say marketing is my passion, I really mean it.

I have been so tempted to find a job – any job, just to make the fear go away.  There are nights I can’t even sleep from the thought of missing rent, missing a car payment, all these medical bills from my appendectomy.  The thought of having to leave Yoda (my cat) behind because dad is allergic, if I ever had to move home with mom and dad.  I have to remind myself that I have the tools to solve these problems.  It’s only really hopeless if I let it become hopeless.

I’m not some Jim Dandy with no skills.  I’m the gorram man.  I aim to win.  It’s not ego. I won because I was able to give 100% – I didn’t stop until I was the best.  I really cared about the things I was doing.  (ps – gorram is a Firefly reference – it’s a swear word.)

And I remember how I feel about a month into every programming job I’ve ever had.  The nagging anxiety that I have a week to learn a brand new language, the depression of not being so busy I can’t even have lunch with Leslie, the frustration of getting home and being so tired and worn out from the day that I can’t bring myself to work on my personal projects.  I can’t do that.  I can’t be like that anymore.  I’ve never felt that way doing my personal projects – doing my own marketing.  I know that if I were doing what I loved to do, I wouldn’t feel like a failure.

You can’t do your best, give 100%, when you don’t like what you’re doing.  It took me two years to realize that.

I’m not going to settle anymore. I’m not a failure. I’m not a loser. I’m not a slacker. I’m… a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

Those jobs I had, they would have been great for someone else.  There were problems, sure – mine and theirs.  There were great people and great things to do.  They weren’t the right great people for me.  They weren’t my great things to do.  The next position I take – the next task I perform for money, will be the first step on my real career.  The thing I’ve always wanted to do.

I can’t go back, because it would mean certain failure.  I can only move forward.

Congratulations – this is your time.  Go out into the world and kick ass!

“Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.”
Euripides

The economy makes it seem like a scary time for us millennials, but you’re going to do fine.  If you need my help, don’t hesitate to ask (I don’t charge a dime) – check out PsychoticResumes.com after you’ve had a chance to party and celebrate your successes!

Before I was laid off, I had purchased a Flip Ultra with the plan of making a “Superhero” series of videos in the style of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog.  My superhero name – Nick The Four-Eyed.  My “costume”? The WiFi shirt from ThinkGeek.  The only thing standing in my way at the moment: scripting.  I don’t like making one-offs, so “Nick The Four-Eyed” is going to be a two-part series, at least.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll be singing.  If I do, it’ll probably sound something like William Shatner’s version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (see the YouTube video at the end).

I created a topic for Ignite Fort Collins – and my topic, “Digital Frontiers – Psychotic Resumes and WTF Marketing” was voted on pretty heavily.

It’ll be a great topic if it’s chosen – how to turn yourself into a digital gunslinger and brave the “digital frontier” of social media and the internet.  Sounds like a goofy topic but I hope to make it really funny.  I’d really like to get a millennial presence at the event and anyway, public speaking has always been something I enjoy.

Dan Schawbel also graciously accepted my invitation for an interview for the Psychotic Resumes podcast.  We talked for about 15 minutes on his new book, Me 2.0, what personal branding is, and what graduating college students should focus on.  It ended up being a really good discussion, which I will put together in podcast form and publish for Wednesday.

I had the opportunity to meet with Amanda from DolphinFeet this week.  We had a great time talking about life, jobs, social media and general nerdery.  I’m looking forward to teaming up with her for some branding-based shenanigans!

Last night I went through all two hours of audio auditions for new Star Trek: Dimensions parts.  We’ve selected the players for the new parts and I’m very excited to have *real* voices to complement the ones I had in my head.  At least now the dialog sounds much less creepy. Ha!

Lots of fun projects to work on in my “spare time”… including my Twitter eBook, which I hope to finish by the 20th.

I wrote a long time ago on Psychotic Resumes about Persistence – and how Wii Fit made me want to curl up into a ball and die.  That was back when I was perfectly healthy, still had an appendix, and the thought had never occurred to me that putting on pants would soon become an accomplishment.

It was, too – I wore pants for the first time since my surgery on Easter Sunday, and the lord saw it, and it was good.

And Wii Fit still makes me want to die. But I’m giving it another try.

I had a conversation with @empowerfitness on Twitter – she’s a personal trainer. She got me thinking that exercise is a really important part of my life that I’ve been neglecting.  As fast as I bounced back after the appendectomy – out of the hospital after two days, working after a week; I could have done a lot better.  I also think I could eat a lot better.  I want to be able to feel dizzy without thinking it’s some sort of stroke.

Starting today, I’m going to make it better.  I’m going to go to Kings and buy some somewhat healthy breakfast food.  I’m also going to get stuff for lunches and dinners.

The whole thing is hard for me.  Instead of cooking, I’d much rather go out and get something to eat, save myself the time, and use that time to be doing something creative.  Instead of bringing something to work that I’ve had to re-heat or leave cold, I would just as soon go get something and pay a little more.  And breakfast… well, I’m fickle.

I’ve taken a liking to these pre-split pink grapefruits, but each one has something like 300 calories and a TON of sugar.  Since it’s simple sugar, I guess I shouldn’t freak out so much, and I’m actually eating a decent breakfast.

Eating out works fine when you don’t have a ton of massive bills. I haven’t tallied them up yet, but I owe somewhere around $3,000 for my appendectomy. Maybe a bit more.

Besides the money aspect, I could be making a lot healthier choices for food.  I’d resolved to do this when I had my appendix out – mostly because my body just would not tolerate horrible food anymore.  Well, that went out the window after the first few BK chicken sandwiches.

It’s a difficult thing for me to think about – ultimately I know that I’m the one letting myself down. Maybe I’ll figure that out before it’s really too late to do anything about it.